TAPESTRIES

"I NEED SOME TIME TO THINK" - Dating Tactics - #4

Take a real close look at that man quote! 

My response?:

Do you, now?  Well I've been needing it for a while, because you're always up my a$$, and now that you are getting close to me, you wanna just run off and think about whether, or not, I am good enough to even waste your feelings on.  Take your space, all the space you want!  And give me back my house key, because WE are OVER! A$$hole!

Yep, that was my first response.  Then, I looked into his eyes and realized that I had blown things waaaaaaaaay out of proportion.  I was scared.  Frightened, even, to death of being alone again.  We are women!  We don't understand the concepts of "SPACE" or "TIME TO THINK".  We make our own space, and we are always thinking, so we don't need breaks to do either of those things, because we do them constantly.  NEWS FLASH!!!  Men Don't.  The less they have to worry about, the happier their life is, and that is where this comment stems from.  It is ingrained deep within their DNA to run, when they are affraid.  And that is, exactly, what they are gonna do.

Consider this analogy:  When two women fight, we will fight to the death.  And grudges...please! they are childsplay! 

...when two men fight, they apologize afterwards and make up! WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT!!!?

Study some biological science for once!  It is a FACT that we, as women, have to protect what is ours.  Think about how close you stand to your children in the grocery store, and all the manipulation you dish out to them because you don't want them getting hurt.  SAME THING!! 

And, GOD, please forbid the man we love from telling us that he is talking to/has feelings for/has had sex with another woman...We will hunt that poor girl down even if she don't know about US.  We will think of every military scheme possible to hurt HER!  WE WILL BLOW UP HER CAR, when all the while she may, or may not, even know that MR. Happy pants has a girl.  ME!!! And she had better face the fact that there IS NO EXCUSE, not even that of NOT knowing about ME and HIM being joined at the hip, that will spare her destruction! 

Well why does he do this, and how do we fix it?!  

Let's talk, first, about the WHY?.

A) He loves you, and it is his nature to run.

  You cannot stop it!  So do not try!  You will only make things worse for yourself.  Accept it, give him 3 days to a week, at most, and then call him.  If he don't answer, he is avoiding you.  In all womanly hood, take that as your hint to drive your a$$ over to his house, when you know he is home, and confront him.  You don't have to be rude, or mean to him.  Just tell him, in a nice way, that you miss him and that you wanna know where your relationship together stands.  Do NOT!!! be overly mushy and emotional!  DO YOU UNDERSTAND!  A few tears, for the effect, won't hurt but don't burst into a mental breakdown. 

B) He does not love you, and doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you.

He also doesn't want the drama, or to have his face smashed in because of his misleading you thus far in your relationship.  This is gonna hurt, girls, but you have to accept it.  You can not, and will not, make anyone love you.  And if the a$$ hole don't love you, there is someone out there who does, and this fool is holding you back from finding him!  MOVE ON, and DO IT FAST.  How many times, have you EVER gotten dumped, and not gone and slept with his best friend, or brother who has always treated you better anyway?  OOOOPS, sorry, that is what I do...!  And 98% of the time, you end up having a better relationship with them, of which, you can rub in your, now, EX's face! 

C) He REALLY does need time to think!

I am sure that some survey somewhere will tell you that this, in reality, makes up about 10% of men.  They are known as the "Good guys" and sometime, unfortunately, about 3-5% of these are also later known as the "GAY ones".  But, if you have harnessed one from the other 5-7% then you had better handle this issue RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.  Give him, no more than, a week.  Let him marinate in his thoughts about how much he truly does love you, because HE DOES.  AND YOU BETTER NOT MESS IT UP!!!  THAT WOULD MAKE THE REST OF WE WOMEN LOOK BAD!!!  Like a girlfriend of mine told me once,

"Jessica, you need to show your class, not your ass!". 

And that is what you, too, should do.  Look deep into your heart.  If you love him, if you truly love him and want things to work, then do as he asks.  You would, after all, want him to give you the same respect, and you know it!  If it takes him up to the ONE WEEK point, then that is when you need to take action, if he has not.  Either visit him when you know he will be home, or call him.  If you have to, leave a message, and not a mushy one either.  Believe me, I know how tempting it is.  He does love you, and he WILL call you back.  If you show up at his house, expect him to be apprehensive...he's waiting for you to tell him how mad you are because he hasn't even had the decency to call...do not do that...instead, grab him and hug him and tell him how happy you are to see him because you've missed him so much.  But don't be crying the whole time.  Maintain your composure!  AT ALL TIMES!

Now, HOW do WE fix this issue?!   

A) Inplant an idea of what you want.

It is called manipulation!  Even, child psychology, and it does work.  FACT: If he believes he thought of it, then he will accept it.  If however, he sees right through you, then you are officially screwed, so you HAVE TO DO THIS RIGHT.  I can't help you much here, unless you email me with specifics.  If you can't get me on email here, then click on my links and find my website.  You can mail me there.  This is a fragile, VERY FRAGILE, tactic.  And it must be dealt with properly, or it will explode in your face like a hand grenade!

B) Give him specific examples of what you want, or of how hurt you are by his actions, or lack of them. 

This isn't the time for you to be playing mind games and/ or guessing games with him!  If you love him then you don't want to purposely hurt him.  Be respectful, be kind, and speak from your heart.  And for the SAKE of all that is holy, DO NOT have a mental breakdown in front of him.  If it is necessary, then wait until you leave!  I know, and have experienced the horrid results of this, on a very personal basis. ..the truth hurts, and it hurts BAD. 

Luckily for me, I have a man that I know love's me.  He is very confused right now because of how intensely his feelings are for me.  I, too, am affraid.  But, as a woman, I want to deal with it, not run from it.  A perfect example of how to use this tactic, is as follows:  I know it works because I just used it last night with him.  After showing up at his house, we went through our " I miss you so much " time, and started to, casually, talk.  His sister and her fiance, just happen to live with him.  His sister's fiance will flirt with anyone who has tits.  Everyone suspects that he has cheated, or is cheating on her.  EVEN HER!  Well, in his confusion, my boyfriend has decided that we should not break up, but he HAS been talking to another woman at work, and the woman has told him that she wants to have sex with him.  He decided that he would bring up his sister and her fiances bad relationship, during our casual conversation.  He said that his sister is the sweetest girl ever, and that he can't believe that she is putting up with her fiances crap.  I just looked at him, and out came this:

" Baby, you can't judge him, because you are doing the same thing to me.  You've been talking to another woman at work behind my back.  That is the same behavior that your, soon to be, brother in law exhibits, isn't it?  You have a girl right here in front of you, who loves ONLY you with every fiber of her being, and yet you talk to another woman behind her back.  I put up with your crap b/c I love you.  Your sister puts up with his crap, because she loves him.  That is what you do when you love someone.  Cheating, is unacceptable and unexcuseable.  But you being confused and affraid of REALLY loving someone is not!  It is okay for you to be confused.  And I will be right here waiting for you, when your confusion is is over.  I believe in my heart that you love me, just like she knows that he loves her, and that is what she and I hold onto with all of our faith.  That one day you two guys will come to your senses and realize what you're doing to us, and to yourselfves by hurting us.  So, in reality, you can not judge him, b/c you ARE HIM."

It was confirmed right then, that my man does love me, because he started to cry, and apologize. 

C) Make a pact, and agree on VERY non-restrictive boundaries, together.

Don't get all 'up in arms' and start making demands, once you have his attention.  That will only make you lose him again.  He will start running, and ruin all the work you just did. 

My man, wants to see what this girl at work is all about.  Luckily for me, she is married with children so I know it ain't gonna work.  At least not for long.  I told him straight up, "go ahead.  explore.  see what she is about. just don't get hurt, because if she hurts you, I am gonna whip YOUR a$$, not hers".  I know if he gets close to her, he's gonna get hurt.  In fact, I am counting on it!  But you have to let him learn on his own.  Swallow your pride, and let him learn that YOU are the BEST and realize that these other Bitche$ will just fade away in a short time, if you are willing to hold on to him. 

The point is, you know that he is making really ignorant decisions, but sometimes you have to let him LEARN ON HIS OWN like a little child.  If he feels restricted and trapped, and you are not supporting his ignorant decisions, then he is gonna run from you, do YOU UNDERSTAND!  If you love him, love everything about him, even his ignorance.  I know I do, and that is why he and I are both very happy together.

Happy Dating, and Loving,

Jessica 

"IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME YOU WOULD..." - Dating Tactics - #3

Yep, me too!  I have, countless times, looked directly through the man who is bold enough (or stupid enough) to begin a sentence, like this, and directed it towards me.  This statement, with whatever it is followed by, is a RED FLAG that sends my brain into overdrive, and my intolerance level right over the edge of the cliff.  Most of you find humor in my responses to these situations, and often, afterwards I find humor too.  But, when I am 'IN THE MOMENT", it is no where near as funny.  This is a blatant display of an attempt to manipulate on the part of who so ever utters it.  And, me being me, you should know that I don't take kindly to manipulation. 

Let's take a step back and analyze the "..." (dot dot dots) of this.  Trust, that I have heard IT ALL!!!  And right here, and now, we are gonna break it down, and dish out some responses that should come from those of you who have been auditorially violated by one of these idiots.

#1 ... WOULD HAVE SEX WITH ME - This has to be the worst of all! 

What he is trying to accomplish here, is the worst kind of manipulation.  It involves emotional game playing, which IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE!!!  And it also means that he could, absolutely and with complete certainty, not care less about you.  If you fall for this crap, then:

A) you have no self-esteem or self-worth, and

B) you are just as big of an idiot as he is. 

MY RESPONSE?

Hmmm, well it is really funny that you should bring that up.  I was just thinking earlier today about the men that I have had sex with, and you know what, It occured to me that I didn't love, not even, one of them, and that I have serious issues with commitment!  So, by your comment, I believe that you're suggesting that if I don't love you, that I probably shouldn't have sex with you.  Gosh, I am sssooooooo glad you brought this up, because I could have just made a huge mistake and gotten you caught up in an emotional situation that would only be dissapointing to you later, because, to be honest, after I have sex with a guy I start avoiding his calls completely.  Thank you so much for your decency, and respect for me.  I suppose that now, would be as good of time as any for you to leave.  I would hate to hurt you any more than I already have.

And then you get up, and walk his a$$ to the door.

#2 ...YOU WOULD CHANGE (THIS OR THAT)

What he is trying to accomplish here, is control.  And that, too, is NEVER ACCEPTABLE!!  NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, has any right to try to control YOU!  If you fall for this crap then:

A) again, you have no self-esteem or self-worth

B) you deserve to be controlled

C) you need to spend more time with your friends and family who DO appreciate you   for who you are.

MY RESPONSE?

Umm, excuse me, but I am exactly the same person that I was when you first met me, so if you have a problem with me now, then you have had one with me all along.  And in my oppinion, it takes a pretty weak person, to quietly tolerate something that bothers them.   Besides that!, if it has taken this long to begin eating away at you, then either A) you should have taken that into consideration BEFORE, and moved the he(doublehockeysticks) on to someone else Or B) you never considered it an issue until NOW so why bring it up?!.

And then, you grab a suitcase and offer to help him pack his things, just after you inform him that you would never stay with someone who bounced up, and down on your nerves.

#3 ...STOP CHEATING ON ME/SLEEPING AROUND ETC.

Well, I am not EVEN GONNA GO THERE but I will say this: The SPEAKER, here, has the problem, not the person that they are speaking to.  Pack his bags, or put all his shi! in a trash bag and throw it in the yard.  Just make sure you lock your windows and have the doorlocks changed before he comes home.  Do not let him set one foot across your threshold again!  And start going out with your friends and family.  IMMEDIATELY!  Grow up!, and find a man who isn't a tom cat.  It is easier than you think!

#4 ...SHOW ME/SAY IT.

OH MY GOODNESS......COME ON!!!! Once again, the speaker has the problem here, not the listener.  Actually, I don't even feel sorry for the person who is WEAK enough to utter this crap!

A) Get some self esteem, because you are probably making the listener's life a living HELL!

B) Find an excellent counselor

C) Love yourself before you rush off to start a relationship

D) IF YOU DON'T THINK HE LOVES YOU THEN WHY IN HELL ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME?  WAKE UP!

MY RESPONSE:

Guys don't often say this to me, but it has happend!  I responded by using both of these techniques.  First, I spoke...(IMAGINE THAT! lol)..."I am not going to WORK on convincing you that I love you, because if I have to convince you then there is a problem.  So, apparently our relationship style is not compatible, and we, therefore should not challenge ourselves further by continuing this, only to ultimately be dissapointed.  Secondly, I showed him the door, and made sure he walked through it.  Then I shut it, locked it, and turned the ringer on my phone to off.

LISTEN UP LADIES!  If you don't believe you are worthy of a decent partnership, then you AREN'T.  I don't care what you believe in your mind.  THERE IS A MAN OUT THERE WHO WAS DESIGNED JUST FOR YOU.  I found mine, and believe me, I have hoped and given up hope, and then hoped again, and out of the blue he dropped in my lap.  There is a partner who is worth your time, and he will NEVER use a line like this, or any of the other lines I have mentioned, on you.  He has the power to love you with every fiber of his being, and you have the power to love him with yours.  Yes, it takes time!  Yes, it takes compromise!  Yes, it takes unconditional love!  Yes, it takes Truth, and Honesty, and Trust.  But it does not, and should not take work, or tolerance, or manipulation, or abuse.  YOU do not work on LOVE, LOVE works on YOU.  Otherwise, it is WRONG and you are only going to be grossly dissapointed.  

When you meet him, you will know.  A moment of pure clarity will slap you right in the face.  When you wake up in the morning you will think of him first.  When you go to sleep he will be the last thing on your mind.  When you see him, your heart will smile and you will feel whole, and you will wonder what you can do next to make sure that every second, he is happy and smiling.  You will see every flaw he has and appreciate it, knowing that he was designed specifically and totally for you, as you were for him.  When he touches you, or kisses you, or smiles at you, you will feel his love for you.  It will hit you like a ton of bricks every single time.  That is LOVE.  TRUE, REAL, UNDYING AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  AND THAT IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE SEEKING.  

WHAT SO EVER you do, do not settle for a loser.  The only purpose of a LOSER, is to deter you and distract you, from the one man that will change your entire world.  It is up to you, and only you, which one of the men you will let win.

Happy Dating!  

Sorry guys and gals...

     I haven't been keeping my commitment to writing my articles, and I apologize.  This is, after all, about dating and I know you need advice.  But I have great news!  I have a boyfriend now, and he is an angel.  Most of my time is being spent with him, to the neglect of you.  Because he and I are in the first month of our relationship, it is pertinent that I show him the adoration, affection, and attention that he deserves. 

     This, of course, only serves to prove the experience, and validity, of the articles that I have already written.  Never once, has he used any of the quotes that I have referred to, nor the ones that I will soon write of.

Here's to dating success!

"WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?" - Dating Tactics - #2

Huhn uhn!  Watch out ladies!  Throw on your camouflage, your night vision goggles, and bring some grenades.  And, before you take one more step, look around you!  Pay close attention, and analyze what it REALLY going on!  You will notice that, everywhere around you, there seems to be little patches of earth that appear to have something hidden under them.

Landmines!  Everywhere!  Time to break out your grenades and start tossing!  Annihilate them before they do you!

Prepare yourself!  When he calls you and says, "What have you been doing?", it may appear a harmless question.  But it isn't!  What he is really saying is, "WHO have you been doing?", and/or "Is there something you aren't telling me"? 

Ultimately, what he wants you to know is that, "Hey!  If you've been sleeping around, it is okay to tell me because, by asking you this question and trying to pry information from you in a deceptive way, I have prepared myself for the answer, even if it just happens to be something that I don't want to hear.  I can deal with it, please, please, please just tell me that you've been seeing other men, so that I can have something to hold against you later (that is if I decide that there will be a "later" after you come clean).  I've been expecting it anyway because I have no faith, at all, in our relationship.  And to be honest, I never have, so spill it.  I can take it"!

As you can imagine, "This is a test, this is only a test", and you aren't gonna pass it!  Why, you ask?  Simply, because how-so-ever you do decide to answer it, he is still gonna believe that you are messing around.  He is broken, and you can't fix him!  You can't return him to the store where you found him, because they have a no-refund policy.  All items are "SOLD AS IS".  

There is, however, a way for you to counter attack.  And, It will enable you to keep the pants on that you have earned. 

Tell him exactly what he wants to hear!  And keep him wondering!  Yep!  Play a little "child psychology" with him.  After all, he IS acting like one.

If he is gonna go through all the trouble to call you and try to torture you (and himself), to try to decieve you, and to continue to be unable to express his feelings/fears honestly, then HEY!  Why not have a little fun with him!  He is, after all, giving you the perfect opportunity to do so. 

More often than not, he is going to ask you this question over the phone, in an instant message, or by text.  Rarely will he ever ask it "face to face".  In his mind, he has to have a big head start in the running, if you're answer should happen to confirm his fear and be, not so positive.  Little will he know that you've already reached the finish line and are standing there waiting on him!

My, personal, counter attack works something like this:

Woman:  "Hey, honey!  How are you?"

Man: "Hey, baby!  I'm good!  How are you?"

Woman:  "I'm good, but I miss you!"

Man: " I miss you too.  I've been so busy!  Listen, I am sorry that I haven't gotten to call, or spend much time with you in the past few days.  WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?"

Woman: "  Well, lets see.  Friday, I went out..." (he is going to interrupt within seconds after you say this, so be prepared) 

Man: "Oh really?  Who did you go out with?  Did you have fun?"  (and this is the point that would be my cue)

Woman: " Well, yes!  But, as I was saying... I went out with this drop dead, gorgeous man I met online (COMPETITION!!! is flaring like a neon light in his mind now).  It was really spur of the moment.  (oh my gosh, he is so hot that she will drop everything for him)  And I didn't really wanna tell you about it since our relationship has been so rocky lately.  (now he's thinking about all the things he has done wrong, in the past, and wondering why you're still blowing them out of proportion)  I thought you might get upset, and I had seriously considered not making things worse by telling you.  (he's hearing, "you're not enough of an adult to handle issues in our relationship")  Besides I really like/love you.  But I decided last night that I was going to tell you because I know how important it is to be honest when you're in a relationship. (he's thinking, "honesty is overrated and I am gonna kill somebody!")  And besides, you tell me all the time that I can tell you anything.(he's thinking, "yeah, and now I am wishing I never had suggested it!")  Anyway..." (here he will interrupt again)

Man: "Wait, wait!  Are you telling me that you went out with some other dude!" (which will be all he can think of to say right now, because his heart is about to explode in his chest!)

Woman: "Yes, but I'm being honest with you about it, and that is what is important.  (he's thinking, "again with this honesty, bullsh@#)  Anyway, as I was saying...I had a GRRRREAT time!  He took me out for dinner, and we drank a whole bottle of wine.  You know how I get when I drink wine.  (He's thinking, "is she really telling me this! this has got to be a dream!")  Lord have mercy, I got soooo drunk.  But anyway, after that I invited him back here and we had better sex THAN I HAVE EVER HAD!"  ("Oh my God, she slept with this loser too?  And he's better than me in bed!  Strike me down right here and now!")

(here he goes again, interrupting)

Man: "ARE YOU SERIOUS?  Baby, I hope you are playing around!"

Woman: "Well, honey, why on earth would you hope that?  I mean, you aren't good enough for me anyway.  (he really does believe this, so your stabbing him right in the gut.  He also is in shock now because now you know his worst fear, and he ain't happy about it, because he's no longer in control!)  And besides, you're always telling me how you want me to be happy. (he's thinking,"how could I be so stupid as to tell her that! WHY? WHY? WHY?")  Boy, did he make me happy!  In fact, I might have to go out with him again!(he's thinking, "oh sh!@, I'm gonna lose her to someone who looks better than me, I better act fast!")  You don't mind do you?  (he's wondering why you're asking his permission, when you already know  what his answer is gonna be!)  As long as I am honest with you about it?"

Ladies, the key here is to be completely convincing.  And it is absolutely crucial that you pretend to be ecstatic.  If you laugh nervously, or crack in any way, then you're done for.  If you don't, then you will have him wrapped around your finger.

Give him a minute to absorb the fact that his worst fears have just been confirmed, and then, gently slide your big guns back into their holsters. 

Personally, I like to hang up the phone at this point (or sign off-line), just for the added shock value, and then when he calls back (or I have waited a few seconds, and signed back on line) tell him that I don't know what happend, but something must be wrong with my phone (or internet).  Yes, it is mean, but it gets the point across.  

Around this time, you will feel like a victim of the spanish inquisition, because he is going to question, accuse, point the finger, threaten the "other" man's life, etc.  Let him!  And when he has finished spewing like an erupted volcano, all you have to say is:

"BABY, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT I WOULD DO THAT TO YOU?"

Tactic #2 will work every time!  Your point will be well taken!  And he will, now, be able to grow up and play with the big kids.  

Here's to happy dating!

"I AM NOT LIKE EVERY OTHER MAN" - Dating Tactics - #1

Put on your sh*@ kickers ladies because this stud bull is gonna be dropping a lot of it right at your feet.  Red flags should be popping up all over the place when you hear a line like this one. 

If he thinks it's necessary for him to TELL YOU that he isn't like every other man, then chances are, he probably is. 

Let's face it, not all men are alike! And, I am sure that you have probably grown weary from hearing that, time after time.  But, any woman who has ever been with a man for any length of time, can testify to the fact that most of them respond to situations in very similar ways.  They either ignore the reality...in a way similar to that of a deer caught in your headlights that your getting ready to pummel over with your car...and pretend it isn't happening.  Or, they take a take a running jump and execute a flawless swan dive, only to plunge head first into a rock quarry.

So, the time has come, ladies, for you to take off those rose-colored glasses and put your bifocals back on.  He has just laid down a beautiful cobblestone path, just for you (ahwwwha how sweet), that leads straight into a huge bear trap! 

The fact is that when a man feels it necessary to tell you that he is, most assuredly, "Not like other men", YOU ARE NOT THE PERSON THAT HE IS TRYING TO CONVINCE!  HE IS, HOWEVER, TRYING TO CONVINCE HIMSELF!  And through some power of, oh I don't know, affirmation to his subconscious, he feels that if he repeats it over and over to himself (and to you) that somehow it will magicly be true. 

Commit that fact to memory, because it is gonna save you a lot of money on hospital bills, later. Do you see that bear trap in front of you?!  Either walk around that sucker, or sprint your a$$ in another direction, but don't step right into it!

There is another way to handle this situation, which by the way is my personal favorite and one that I most often use.  If you don't care for the "passive" path of walking around, or running away from the looming danger, then feel free to take advantage of the "military tactics" that I prefer to use. 

La dee dah...la tee dee, I sing as I walk down the gorgeous path he has laid for me.  And yes, every time, I see the same sunbeams that you do.  I, too, admire the way that they slide through the trees and illuminate my way as though nothing could, possibly, go wrong. I watch them with hope, and like an innocent butterfly I float along, happy as can be.  On my way, as I glide through the air, I swoop down and take small tree limb into my wings.  

I fly right over to the bear trap, that I inevitably new was going to be there, and cram that tree branch in it, and spring the sucker!

The moral of the story is:

If you choose to walk around in naievity and just let things happen to you, then you can count on being shocked and dissapointed on a regular basis.  Instead, walk in awareness, be prepared, and take control into your own hands before it has the chance to bite you in the A$$.

Call his bluff!  Be assertive, and let him know that "Actions speak louder than words"!  If he truly has good intentions, then he needs to be showing you, instead of trying so hard to convince you.

Here's to successful dating!