TAPESTRIES

"WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?" - Dating Tactics - #2

Huhn uhn!  Watch out ladies!  Throw on your camouflage, your night vision goggles, and bring some grenades.  And, before you take one more step, look around you!  Pay close attention, and analyze what it REALLY going on!  You will notice that, everywhere around you, there seems to be little patches of earth that appear to have something hidden under them.

Landmines!  Everywhere!  Time to break out your grenades and start tossing!  Annihilate them before they do you!

Prepare yourself!  When he calls you and says, "What have you been doing?", it may appear a harmless question.  But it isn't!  What he is really saying is, "WHO have you been doing?", and/or "Is there something you aren't telling me"? 

Ultimately, what he wants you to know is that, "Hey!  If you've been sleeping around, it is okay to tell me because, by asking you this question and trying to pry information from you in a deceptive way, I have prepared myself for the answer, even if it just happens to be something that I don't want to hear.  I can deal with it, please, please, please just tell me that you've been seeing other men, so that I can have something to hold against you later (that is if I decide that there will be a "later" after you come clean).  I've been expecting it anyway because I have no faith, at all, in our relationship.  And to be honest, I never have, so spill it.  I can take it"!

As you can imagine, "This is a test, this is only a test", and you aren't gonna pass it!  Why, you ask?  Simply, because how-so-ever you do decide to answer it, he is still gonna believe that you are messing around.  He is broken, and you can't fix him!  You can't return him to the store where you found him, because they have a no-refund policy.  All items are "SOLD AS IS".  

There is, however, a way for you to counter attack.  And, It will enable you to keep the pants on that you have earned. 

Tell him exactly what he wants to hear!  And keep him wondering!  Yep!  Play a little "child psychology" with him.  After all, he IS acting like one.

If he is gonna go through all the trouble to call you and try to torture you (and himself), to try to decieve you, and to continue to be unable to express his feelings/fears honestly, then HEY!  Why not have a little fun with him!  He is, after all, giving you the perfect opportunity to do so. 

More often than not, he is going to ask you this question over the phone, in an instant message, or by text.  Rarely will he ever ask it "face to face".  In his mind, he has to have a big head start in the running, if you're answer should happen to confirm his fear and be, not so positive.  Little will he know that you've already reached the finish line and are standing there waiting on him!

My, personal, counter attack works something like this:

Woman:  "Hey, honey!  How are you?"

Man: "Hey, baby!  I'm good!  How are you?"

Woman:  "I'm good, but I miss you!"

Man: " I miss you too.  I've been so busy!  Listen, I am sorry that I haven't gotten to call, or spend much time with you in the past few days.  WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?"

Woman: "  Well, lets see.  Friday, I went out..." (he is going to interrupt within seconds after you say this, so be prepared) 

Man: "Oh really?  Who did you go out with?  Did you have fun?"  (and this is the point that would be my cue)

Woman: " Well, yes!  But, as I was saying... I went out with this drop dead, gorgeous man I met online (COMPETITION!!! is flaring like a neon light in his mind now).  It was really spur of the moment.  (oh my gosh, he is so hot that she will drop everything for him)  And I didn't really wanna tell you about it since our relationship has been so rocky lately.  (now he's thinking about all the things he has done wrong, in the past, and wondering why you're still blowing them out of proportion)  I thought you might get upset, and I had seriously considered not making things worse by telling you.  (he's hearing, "you're not enough of an adult to handle issues in our relationship")  Besides I really like/love you.  But I decided last night that I was going to tell you because I know how important it is to be honest when you're in a relationship. (he's thinking, "honesty is overrated and I am gonna kill somebody!")  And besides, you tell me all the time that I can tell you anything.(he's thinking, "yeah, and now I am wishing I never had suggested it!")  Anyway..." (here he will interrupt again)

Man: "Wait, wait!  Are you telling me that you went out with some other dude!" (which will be all he can think of to say right now, because his heart is about to explode in his chest!)

Woman: "Yes, but I'm being honest with you about it, and that is what is important.  (he's thinking, "again with this honesty, bullsh@#)  Anyway, as I was saying...I had a GRRRREAT time!  He took me out for dinner, and we drank a whole bottle of wine.  You know how I get when I drink wine.  (He's thinking, "is she really telling me this! this has got to be a dream!")  Lord have mercy, I got soooo drunk.  But anyway, after that I invited him back here and we had better sex THAN I HAVE EVER HAD!"  ("Oh my God, she slept with this loser too?  And he's better than me in bed!  Strike me down right here and now!")

(here he goes again, interrupting)

Man: "ARE YOU SERIOUS?  Baby, I hope you are playing around!"

Woman: "Well, honey, why on earth would you hope that?  I mean, you aren't good enough for me anyway.  (he really does believe this, so your stabbing him right in the gut.  He also is in shock now because now you know his worst fear, and he ain't happy about it, because he's no longer in control!)  And besides, you're always telling me how you want me to be happy. (he's thinking,"how could I be so stupid as to tell her that! WHY? WHY? WHY?")  Boy, did he make me happy!  In fact, I might have to go out with him again!(he's thinking, "oh sh!@, I'm gonna lose her to someone who looks better than me, I better act fast!")  You don't mind do you?  (he's wondering why you're asking his permission, when you already know  what his answer is gonna be!)  As long as I am honest with you about it?"

Ladies, the key here is to be completely convincing.  And it is absolutely crucial that you pretend to be ecstatic.  If you laugh nervously, or crack in any way, then you're done for.  If you don't, then you will have him wrapped around your finger.

Give him a minute to absorb the fact that his worst fears have just been confirmed, and then, gently slide your big guns back into their holsters. 

Personally, I like to hang up the phone at this point (or sign off-line), just for the added shock value, and then when he calls back (or I have waited a few seconds, and signed back on line) tell him that I don't know what happend, but something must be wrong with my phone (or internet).  Yes, it is mean, but it gets the point across.  

Around this time, you will feel like a victim of the spanish inquisition, because he is going to question, accuse, point the finger, threaten the "other" man's life, etc.  Let him!  And when he has finished spewing like an erupted volcano, all you have to say is:

"BABY, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT I WOULD DO THAT TO YOU?"

Tactic #2 will work every time!  Your point will be well taken!  And he will, now, be able to grow up and play with the big kids.  

Here's to happy dating!