TAPESTRIES

"I NEED SOME TIME TO THINK" - Dating Tactics - #4

Take a real close look at that man quote! 

My response?:

Do you, now?  Well I've been needing it for a while, because you're always up my a$$, and now that you are getting close to me, you wanna just run off and think about whether, or not, I am good enough to even waste your feelings on.  Take your space, all the space you want!  And give me back my house key, because WE are OVER! A$$hole!

Yep, that was my first response.  Then, I looked into his eyes and realized that I had blown things waaaaaaaaay out of proportion.  I was scared.  Frightened, even, to death of being alone again.  We are women!  We don't understand the concepts of "SPACE" or "TIME TO THINK".  We make our own space, and we are always thinking, so we don't need breaks to do either of those things, because we do them constantly.  NEWS FLASH!!!  Men Don't.  The less they have to worry about, the happier their life is, and that is where this comment stems from.  It is ingrained deep within their DNA to run, when they are affraid.  And that is, exactly, what they are gonna do.

Consider this analogy:  When two women fight, we will fight to the death.  And grudges...please! they are childsplay! 

...when two men fight, they apologize afterwards and make up! WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT!!!?

Study some biological science for once!  It is a FACT that we, as women, have to protect what is ours.  Think about how close you stand to your children in the grocery store, and all the manipulation you dish out to them because you don't want them getting hurt.  SAME THING!! 

And, GOD, please forbid the man we love from telling us that he is talking to/has feelings for/has had sex with another woman...We will hunt that poor girl down even if she don't know about US.  We will think of every military scheme possible to hurt HER!  WE WILL BLOW UP HER CAR, when all the while she may, or may not, even know that MR. Happy pants has a girl.  ME!!! And she had better face the fact that there IS NO EXCUSE, not even that of NOT knowing about ME and HIM being joined at the hip, that will spare her destruction! 

Well why does he do this, and how do we fix it?!  

Let's talk, first, about the WHY?.

A) He loves you, and it is his nature to run.

  You cannot stop it!  So do not try!  You will only make things worse for yourself.  Accept it, give him 3 days to a week, at most, and then call him.  If he don't answer, he is avoiding you.  In all womanly hood, take that as your hint to drive your a$$ over to his house, when you know he is home, and confront him.  You don't have to be rude, or mean to him.  Just tell him, in a nice way, that you miss him and that you wanna know where your relationship together stands.  Do NOT!!! be overly mushy and emotional!  DO YOU UNDERSTAND!  A few tears, for the effect, won't hurt but don't burst into a mental breakdown. 

B) He does not love you, and doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you.

He also doesn't want the drama, or to have his face smashed in because of his misleading you thus far in your relationship.  This is gonna hurt, girls, but you have to accept it.  You can not, and will not, make anyone love you.  And if the a$$ hole don't love you, there is someone out there who does, and this fool is holding you back from finding him!  MOVE ON, and DO IT FAST.  How many times, have you EVER gotten dumped, and not gone and slept with his best friend, or brother who has always treated you better anyway?  OOOOPS, sorry, that is what I do...!  And 98% of the time, you end up having a better relationship with them, of which, you can rub in your, now, EX's face! 

C) He REALLY does need time to think!

I am sure that some survey somewhere will tell you that this, in reality, makes up about 10% of men.  They are known as the "Good guys" and sometime, unfortunately, about 3-5% of these are also later known as the "GAY ones".  But, if you have harnessed one from the other 5-7% then you had better handle this issue RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.  Give him, no more than, a week.  Let him marinate in his thoughts about how much he truly does love you, because HE DOES.  AND YOU BETTER NOT MESS IT UP!!!  THAT WOULD MAKE THE REST OF WE WOMEN LOOK BAD!!!  Like a girlfriend of mine told me once,

"Jessica, you need to show your class, not your ass!". 

And that is what you, too, should do.  Look deep into your heart.  If you love him, if you truly love him and want things to work, then do as he asks.  You would, after all, want him to give you the same respect, and you know it!  If it takes him up to the ONE WEEK point, then that is when you need to take action, if he has not.  Either visit him when you know he will be home, or call him.  If you have to, leave a message, and not a mushy one either.  Believe me, I know how tempting it is.  He does love you, and he WILL call you back.  If you show up at his house, expect him to be apprehensive...he's waiting for you to tell him how mad you are because he hasn't even had the decency to call...do not do that...instead, grab him and hug him and tell him how happy you are to see him because you've missed him so much.  But don't be crying the whole time.  Maintain your composure!  AT ALL TIMES!

Now, HOW do WE fix this issue?!   

A) Inplant an idea of what you want.

It is called manipulation!  Even, child psychology, and it does work.  FACT: If he believes he thought of it, then he will accept it.  If however, he sees right through you, then you are officially screwed, so you HAVE TO DO THIS RIGHT.  I can't help you much here, unless you email me with specifics.  If you can't get me on email here, then click on my links and find my website.  You can mail me there.  This is a fragile, VERY FRAGILE, tactic.  And it must be dealt with properly, or it will explode in your face like a hand grenade!

B) Give him specific examples of what you want, or of how hurt you are by his actions, or lack of them. 

This isn't the time for you to be playing mind games and/ or guessing games with him!  If you love him then you don't want to purposely hurt him.  Be respectful, be kind, and speak from your heart.  And for the SAKE of all that is holy, DO NOT have a mental breakdown in front of him.  If it is necessary, then wait until you leave!  I know, and have experienced the horrid results of this, on a very personal basis. ..the truth hurts, and it hurts BAD. 

Luckily for me, I have a man that I know love's me.  He is very confused right now because of how intensely his feelings are for me.  I, too, am affraid.  But, as a woman, I want to deal with it, not run from it.  A perfect example of how to use this tactic, is as follows:  I know it works because I just used it last night with him.  After showing up at his house, we went through our " I miss you so much " time, and started to, casually, talk.  His sister and her fiance, just happen to live with him.  His sister's fiance will flirt with anyone who has tits.  Everyone suspects that he has cheated, or is cheating on her.  EVEN HER!  Well, in his confusion, my boyfriend has decided that we should not break up, but he HAS been talking to another woman at work, and the woman has told him that she wants to have sex with him.  He decided that he would bring up his sister and her fiances bad relationship, during our casual conversation.  He said that his sister is the sweetest girl ever, and that he can't believe that she is putting up with her fiances crap.  I just looked at him, and out came this:

" Baby, you can't judge him, because you are doing the same thing to me.  You've been talking to another woman at work behind my back.  That is the same behavior that your, soon to be, brother in law exhibits, isn't it?  You have a girl right here in front of you, who loves ONLY you with every fiber of her being, and yet you talk to another woman behind her back.  I put up with your crap b/c I love you.  Your sister puts up with his crap, because she loves him.  That is what you do when you love someone.  Cheating, is unacceptable and unexcuseable.  But you being confused and affraid of REALLY loving someone is not!  It is okay for you to be confused.  And I will be right here waiting for you, when your confusion is is over.  I believe in my heart that you love me, just like she knows that he loves her, and that is what she and I hold onto with all of our faith.  That one day you two guys will come to your senses and realize what you're doing to us, and to yourselfves by hurting us.  So, in reality, you can not judge him, b/c you ARE HIM."

It was confirmed right then, that my man does love me, because he started to cry, and apologize. 

C) Make a pact, and agree on VERY non-restrictive boundaries, together.

Don't get all 'up in arms' and start making demands, once you have his attention.  That will only make you lose him again.  He will start running, and ruin all the work you just did. 

My man, wants to see what this girl at work is all about.  Luckily for me, she is married with children so I know it ain't gonna work.  At least not for long.  I told him straight up, "go ahead.  explore.  see what she is about. just don't get hurt, because if she hurts you, I am gonna whip YOUR a$$, not hers".  I know if he gets close to her, he's gonna get hurt.  In fact, I am counting on it!  But you have to let him learn on his own.  Swallow your pride, and let him learn that YOU are the BEST and realize that these other Bitche$ will just fade away in a short time, if you are willing to hold on to him. 

The point is, you know that he is making really ignorant decisions, but sometimes you have to let him LEARN ON HIS OWN like a little child.  If he feels restricted and trapped, and you are not supporting his ignorant decisions, then he is gonna run from you, do YOU UNDERSTAND!  If you love him, love everything about him, even his ignorance.  I know I do, and that is why he and I are both very happy together.

Happy Dating, and Loving,

Jessica